W.C. Fields
Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
My illness is due to my Doctors insistance that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.
Twas a woman that drove me to drink...never did get around to thankin' her.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
I never drink water; that's the stuff that rusts pipes.
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it's around the woman's neck.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.